“It’s All About Me” is the name of my upcoming book, which might sound slightly controversial for a book about sex and relationships.
How can it be all about me when I have a partner to think about? In our modern day perceptions (exacerbated by the latest rom com) our parter is expected to be our everything. As Esther Perel describes it: Everything that we wanted from a traditional marriage – companionship, family, children, economic support, a best friend, a passionate lover, a trusted confidante, an intellectual equal – we are asking from one person what an entire village once provided.
Why is it good to be self centred?
This is a lot of pressure to put on one person, so it is little wonder that couples are, as Perel says, “crumbling under the weight of so much expectation.”
It can be too much of a burden to bear, the weight of these unrealistic expectations. We need to remember that it is not our partner’s job to make us happy and we do not need a partner to “complete” us. This is not a healthy or empowered attitude and does not serve us or them.
The ideal is two whole people coming together, centred in their own power, to create a life together with a common vision. A life that is better because of what you share. You are together because you want to be, not because you need something from the other. This involves seeing ourselves as a whole person first and then a person in relationship second.
It is our responsibility to keep ourselves in balance within this relationship. Of course our partner can support us in this, just as we can offer them support in keeping themselves in balance and having their own needs met, but if we expect our partner to “make us happy” we are going to be disappointed.
From a place of autonomy we have much more to offer each other. When we achieve happiness we can share it. If we have no happiness ourselves, how can we share it? It is unfair and impossible to ask for happiness to always come from our significant other and unlikely that outside circumstances will always be as we would wish them to be.
When we are self-centred enough to be aware of our own needs this takes away the pressure from our partner and the relationship is more likely to flourish.
I can do nothing for you but work on myself…you can do nothing for me but work on yourselfRam Dass
In simple terms someone who has not been self-centred enough to get themselves in balance cannot be genuinely altruistic – there will always be strings attached or egoistic motives. Altruism from a place of happiness or balance is as an expression of true and pure love.
Think about it: would you rather have someone do you a favour out of a feeling of obligation, or would you rather have someone be happy to do it? The two feel totally different. If you are going to serve people, serve them because it is your joy. Doing something for someone else doesn’t make you a better person if you are doing it in an attitude of resentment.
We have more power than we realise. Even sitting in a room doing nothing, our energy will affect others in the room. If we are tense and stressed out, it has an effect on those around us; don’t think that they won’t feel it. On the other hand if you can keep yourself feeling happy, or at least balanced, even when sitting in a room doing nothing, the energy will feel lighter for others. That is how much influence we have.
To be self-centred, and self-aware is a good thing; we are centred in the self by nature and have no other option. We can treat others as we would like to be treated; we can know our own preferences but can never truly know those of another.
Self centred is not the same as selfish.
This does not mean being selfish, which I don’t advise. When I say “It’s all about me” I do not mean to have total disregard for others around us. As we are all connected that would be detrimental to the self in the end anyway. If everyone is miserable around you, how can you be happy? You cannot help but be affected by those around you, especially a partner and it works both ways.
Happy people automatically want others to be happy. When you make others happy around you, it makes you happy. If you can bring yourself into balance, and remain centred in your self, wanting the best for others will be your natural state.
Morality is nothing but a conscious person’s lifestyle.Osho
It really is “all about me,” even when it’s about you it’s still about me because that is the only place I have control.